- yesterday: i'll start tomorrow
- today: tomorrow
- tomorrow: tomorrow
- 10 years later: tomorrow
- Me watching the Olympics at age 8: Oh that's nice
- Me watching the Olympics at age 12: Wow I hope we win
- Me watching the Olympics at age 16: I'm going to fuck the entire swim team and no one can stop me
EXCUSE ME BUT IT’S 2012 AND THERE’S STILL NOT AN OPTION TO HIGHLIGHT TEXT THAT’S IN ALL CAPS AND CHANGE IT TO LOWERCASE OR VICE VERSA AND IM SORRY BUT THAT’S BULLSHIT
- Me: look at all these nice butts
i say “omg” too much omg
omg look i did it again
omg it’s me
russia’s biggest export used to be oils and minerals but now it’s supermodels
- girl: i'm still in search for the perfect boy
- me: i'm still in search for the perfect theme
2007 was a strange time for all of us and we don’t talk about it
- me during my wedding vows: babe i just love you so much like you don't know i can't even you're so gorg and just perf and like you just give me so many feels i can't even omfg i ship us so hard lkjhfluyhejrg'zsjhf;s;dfgkhzs
fun fact: marcus zusak, the author of ‘the book thief’ went to my school. years after graduating he returned to teach a writing program before my current principal fired him. then he became famous and my principal called him and asked him to return and his response was simply
okay so our school has this nice little collage of people having a good time in the yearbook
ok yeah great very nice
but what is this
wHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF SOME GIRL SITTING ALONE CRYING INTO A MILKSHAKE AT CONEY ISLAND
i actually do have an hourglass figure it’s just that all the glass was crushed and all the sand spilled everywhere and then someone scraped up all the mess and threw it in the bin but it’s still an hourglass
i miss the generations when a guy had to ask a girl out by asking her parents, where a girl could just be beautiful in a tshirt, where bubonic plagues decimated villages across europe and left a third of the population dead. reblog if u agree
- Cashier guy: ok that will be 1.39
- Me: uh can I get a bag too please?
- Cashier guy: *gives me a weird look but hands me a small bag*
- Me: thank you I think people might look at me funny if they see me walking around the mall with animal crackers you know
- Cashier guy: what just be like "YEH I LIKE ANIMAL CRACKERS AND WHAT"
- Cashier guy (as I'm leaving): DON'T LET THE HATERS BRING YOU DOWN YOU EAT THOSE ANIMAL CRACKERS GIRL
- me: wow that guy over there is really hot
- hot guy: is that a potato staring at me
piranhas look like they just told you they like you and are waiting to hear if you like them too
I have a tab open of a picture of Harriett Tubman that I switch to whenever my parents walk in and think I’m doing homework.
I think I’ve been doing it since fifth grade idk why they haven’t caught on I just stare intently at the picture until they leave.
- me after running for one minute: i'm still alive, but i'm barely breathing
I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND LEFT MY MUSIC ON REALLY LOUD SO I CAN HEAR IT AND KEPT IT ON SHUFFLE AND ALL I HEAR IS “IIII WANNA FUCK A DOG IN THE ASS” AND I STARTED SCREAMIGN AND RUNNING UPSTAIRS AND MAKING NOISE SO MY MOM COULDNT HEAR IT AND I WAS LIKE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM AND SHE WAS LIKE WHAT AND THEN I YELLED ABOUT TOMATOS UNTIL I MUTED IT
- lay on the floor and do nothing
- make out
- that’s all i can think of
“Who the hell names hurricanes and why do they give them the least threatening names? If you see on the news that hurricane Erin is blowing through, you’re like ‘Pfft. Erin? I can take that slut’. But if it’s like hurricane Dicksmasher is coming, you pack up and leave.”
“i’m risking everything to be with you” i whisper as I click on a dodgy looking download link for my favourite tv show
- me in 7th grade: unattractive, socially awkward loser.
- me now: unattractive, socially awkward loser with good taste in music.