tltty: bible has the word bi in it so gay is ok!!
iwillmindfuckyou: the third sex theepichumor: you are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey you’ll never know, dear how much i love you please don’t take my sunshine away
isunova: exit the womb they said life would be great they said
gerard-gay: there iS A REASON I TYPE LIKE THIS it buILDS UP THE EXCITEMENT this is too boring THIS IS OBNOXIOUS look itS THE PERFECT BALANCE
jewassicpark: sometimes i dont know who is lazier me or the guy who made the libyan flag
moonplant: u think im not online but im always here even if im not posting im here scrolling judging
nippie: sometimes i feel okay then i remember i’m a pathetic piece of shit
ratchetproblems: How did the hipster burn his lip? He drank his coffee before it was cool
me: knock knock
friend: who's there
me: interrupting black woman
friend: interrupting bla-
fawun: what if your webcam was on right now and was broadcasting in Times Square
Doctor: So what kind of birth control are you using?
Me: My appearance
me: hey I just met you and-
me: why are you walking away
daisyfairy: googling lyrics even if you know them before you use them in a text post so you don’t embarrass yourself in front of the internet
yxq: Once someone put soap in the town’s fountain and there was literally 3 m of foam best day of my life
How to determine who to unfriend on facebook →
daiseas: measure your sadness on the scale from poe to plath
ility: when you write something with dollar signs in place of the letter s it looks so much more suspicious “i promi$e i won’t kill you”
rubywhiterabbit: My little brother got into outer space and stuff so my step-mom bought him a place mat with all the planets on it. When I first saw it, I was upset, because it was newer and so Pluto wasn’t labeled. I was about to say something when I noticed something… Pluto is there. The artist remembered Pluto. Guys… The artist drew Pluto crying.
hante: I AM TIRED OF BEING A TEENAGER I WANT ACNE JEANS NOT ACNE ON MY FACE
me when my ipod is on shuffle: no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no yes
my voice is girly when I talk to strangers but when I’m with friends I turn into morgan freeman
tomate5: fuckyeahtomate: OMG WHY IS THERE AN ICE CREAM TRUCK OUTSIDE AT 9PM OH MY GOD NOW I HEAR GUNSHOTS THAT ICE CREAM TRUCK DIDNT BRING DELICIOUS CREAMY TREATS IT ONLY BROUGHT FEAR
twelvefootmountaintroll: i’m gonna name my firstborn “arial” and people will be like “oh like the mermaid” and i’ll say “no like the font”
breadstickfanclub: The year is 2042. “I was born in the wrong generation” a teenage white girl sighs as she listens to One Direction and cleans the lens on her vintage iPhone 4S.
what do you mean 2005 was 7 years ago
odianne: french verb conjugation haha more like french verb conjuhelp me im fuckign dying help help sos 911 emergency emergency abort mission abort mission help
pigfarts-pigfarts-here-i-come: I feel so awkward when I show other people something I thought was funny and I’m like crying and can’t breathe because I’m laughing so hard and they just kind of smile at me like
by the end of my lifetime i will have
wishingskiesofblue: owned a pair of louboutins traveled to france, italy, greece, spain, everywhere in europe… marry a hot foreign boy have lived in new york city grown three inches and magically transform into a beautiful creature and become a supermodel own a nice car& house BAM
the-diarrhea-of-anne-frank: yea im a girl yea i play video games HAHAAHHA JK
there’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants
odianne: omg i went to this party last night and there were all these cute british boys there and they kissed me and told me i was pretty and then i woke up
Police officer: Miss Lohan you're over the legal drinking limit.
Lindsay Lohan: THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST!
me: omg i have so much stuff to do
me: i don't even have enough time for all this
me: *opens tumblr*
votedleastlikely: votedleastlikely: my friend is taking a blow up doll to prom tonight i’m actually crying
buttgenie: a porn narrated by morgan freeman
richwhitelesbian: im so glad i met the internet
pizzaforpresident: A girl with pink hair just helped me at Walmart and I was like “I know about your tumblr” and all the colour just drained from of her face it was so funny omfg
2boys1cup: the only thing i can turn on is my computer
oncelut: oH my GOD I JSUt SPACE dOUT AND TOOK A BITE OF MY DEODERANT BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS ICE CREAM IM NEVER NOT PAYING ATTENTION AgAIN
odianne: “i just had a really good idea for a text post” she whispered before drifting into fitful dreams of owning the chandelier shoes from prada ss10 and karl telling her she was pretty on the chanel spring 2012 couture airplane when she woke up a single tear slid down her cheek as she realised that it had all been a dream. “fuck i forgot my idea” she said quietly as she broke down into...
shortest horror story ever
computer: unable to connect to the internet
mom: why are you staring at your laptop screen and crying
lindsay-lohans-mug-shot: when i was 15 i threw a bunch of $50 notes and coins on my bed and rolled in it
person: are you athletic?
me: i run
person: oh sweet
me: *whispers* a blog
virare: I tripped on a step in a bus once while I was wearing heels and literally fell out the door onto the concrete